My sheets look like a crime scene.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm like, not good at living.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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