hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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