hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway