i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
