If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
