you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
