In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
