Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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