how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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