I feel great
I just peed on a car
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
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Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
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The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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