its not stalking. its research.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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