when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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