Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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