I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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