I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
