I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
