I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
