Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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