I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
