This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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