oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
