he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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