it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
