I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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