Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
