DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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