I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
