she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
