I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
