bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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