I wish my penis had an off switch
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
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Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
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But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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