I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
