Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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