Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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