He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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