The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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