he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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