Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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