nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
