She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
