just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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