Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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