Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
