I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
