This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
