6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
