I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
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Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
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Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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