How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
