Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
