he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
