I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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