No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint