Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober