i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You have to summon your inner elephant
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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