So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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